For my entire life *up til 2013, not being dramatic at all, I’ve struggled to sleep. I didn’t know you could get help for sleep issues until I was well into adulthood, because I was just that sheltered and ignorant. I would sleep a little in the early morning and maybe a quick afternoon nap – but I’d be up all night every night. I functioned well on 2-6 hours of sleep on the regular, skipping it altogether some nights.
Fast Forward to 2011 but more specifically 2013.
I was working on a team that worked 12 hour days and that worked 7 days in a row followed by 7 off. I loved the time off, but 12 hour days were awful. On top of that schedule, we rotated from nights one “week” to days the next “week” which was a nightmare for consistent sleep patterns. My teammate, opposite of me, hated the day shift and I didn’t give a fuck so we presented the idea to our boss that he’d work permanently on nights and I’d work permanently on days. Perfect. My sleep improved, my happiness was a bit more, and I felt much more regular.
Fast Forward to August, 2014.
I took a new position that was M-F, normal business hours. I started going to work anywhere between 7-9 am and leaving work anywhere between 2-5 pm with it being noon or so on Fridays. It was BEAUTIFUL. I was sleeping 6-9 hours per night, enjoying the amount of time I was home and I got over the loss of my way cool 7/7 schedule.
This puts me at, 30 years old…and I finally had a decent sleep schedule and was getting the proper amount of sleep for my body. I could tell there was a difference and I could feel it in my daily life.
Fast Forward to November, 2015.
Life altering news – I was laid off. My cushy job was taken away, my boss didn’t even fight for us. Bummer, but whatever. I continued to sleep well, with a few hiccups from anxiety and depression – helped and hurt my sleep hours.
Fast Forward to March, 2016.
Employed again, yay! Hooray, in fact. BUT, it’s the same schedule I had in 2013 – with 7/7 and 12 hour days – except I’m permanently on the night shift. And, not the night shift that when you go home it’s dark – it’s 10pm to 10am. So, I’m back to not sleeping very well because I have to sleep during the day when I used to be productive. I can be dead, a walking dead person, and still not be able to sleep. I’ve tried things that don’t require a prescription or seeing a doctor, because I don’t have insurance at the moment due to the new job. I’m back to square one of my life, which I think attributed to my increased anxiety and depression. Normally, when I’m depressed, I sleep… I still can’t fucking sleep thus it breeds a cycle of hating my life and lashing out – I’m sorry. I feel so cheated – because I finally learned what it was like to sleep a “normal” amount and feel rested and healthy despite my normal overweight issues and normal sadness.
I’m trying – desperately – to pluck the positive out of this pile. I promise. I just can’t wait until my days off so I can actually sleep. Have I mentioned how lovely and terrible it is to sleep alone? It’s so good for space, but psychologically it makes me feel anxious.
Here’s to hoping I can master my daytime sleeping, or I get insurance soon so I can see a doctor and figure this out. Here’s to hoping I just get hired somewhere with normal hours again.
Still not sure why I even wrote about this – maybe as insight into why I may be more moody or irritable than normal? I know, there’s no excuse for being rude or projecting anger to people that don’t deserve it.