Free wine glasses.

I have about 8-12 different wine glasses or more.  I don’t need that many, but I have them… I bought 6 more from IKEA because they were cheap – yet I don’t even know 6 people that would come over for wine.  Why the hell do I need all of these glasses?  I will tell you – I bought them because I wanted to feel like I had a home.  I was building a collection to make it feel like I had a nifty bar setup to make the place feel more like a home.  Now, this is a 1 bedroom very temporary place as usual – so I don’t know why I would be doing that.  So, I have some wine glasses to giveaway…  With our ultimate plan not involving this place forever, I don’t know why I keep buying useless to me glassware that I don’t need. (all glassware was purchased at the last place, which we had to delicately pack and move to this place… which will be given away before another move)

What I need to do is get rid of more stuff and simplify.  We have a corner of the living room with a box of shit we haven’t even unpacked or looked twice at… I am just realizing all of this, months in, and it’s just time to purge.  I think there is a box or two in the bedroom that has been overlooked, probably more stuff we don’t need.  Every time I move, I find more stuff that I don’t need.  To be fair, this move has only warranted buying necessities – chairs to sit on and a new pan for the kitchen.  I’ve been really good about avoiding useless purchases from Amazon or Home Depot.  I have a goal in mind to have a life somewhere outside of this rental and I need to keep it in my head.

So, if you’re a DFW friend, I have free wine glasses and maybe some other useless to me glassware if y’all want any of it.

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Never enough time.

What I try to avoid:

  • Being stressed out by people that I want to see but don’t know how to fit them in

What usually happens:

  • I get stressed out because I have too many people to see and my family usually wins the battle

 


I’m just going to stand in the water and pretend my anxiety isn’t slowly killing me with this increased heart rate.

2016 Michigan Trips:

  1. May to surprise my mom for Mother’s Day
  2. June/July 4 to celebrate mom’s 50 and have a get together with my dad’s side
  3. Hopefully August for a southern Michigan visit for GR/Kalamazoo
  4. September for 3 days for Ryan & Ashley’s wedding
  5. December for Erin & Ken’s wedding (probably 7 days)

I’m hoping to make number 3 happen – with or without my dog and partner.  Hopefully so.  I miss my people.

Some things haven’t changed.

Timbaland’s “Way I Are” came on my coworkers radio station and I was instantly taken back to a simpler time in my life…

  • The time period of 2007-2010: limbo
  • Paycheck to paycheck and not paying my bills really – except rent and utilities
  • When you’d take bottles back for the deposit money to buy more beer/booze
  • When rent was $650 for a whole place and you split that with your bff
  • When I worked seasonally as a park ranger and life was great because of it
  • A time when life started after work, at 11pm
  • Nights that went into the mornings
  • When I could drive 4 hours and relax at my cottage or see my family
  • When I had a permanent guest spot in the downstairs bedroom at my friend’s new place
  • When my other friend was the first in our “group” to get a “real job” and would buy the beer a lot more often than we would
  • When we started to party with our “supervisor” from parks & rec and it became lifelong friendship
  • A time when I had no idea what was going on and it was a whirlwind of booze, friends, and trying to figure out what to do with myself next

Now… I have bills, that I’m not avoiding like before.

Now… I have rent that isn’t so cheap.

Now… I have the love of someone that means the world to me so I need to pull myself together.

Now… I still don’t know what the fuck to do next.

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^^…June 2010 – Bestbuy Crew + Wyoming Crew = the best parties

Waiting my entire life.

For my entire life *up til 2013, not being dramatic at all, I’ve struggled to sleep.  I didn’t know you could get help for sleep issues until I was well into adulthood, because I was just that sheltered and ignorant.  I would sleep a little in the early morning and maybe a quick afternoon nap – but I’d be up all night every night.  I functioned well on 2-6 hours of sleep on the regular, skipping it altogether some nights.

Fast Forward to 2011 but more specifically 2013.

I was working on a team that worked 12 hour days and that worked 7 days in a row followed by 7 off.  I loved the time off, but 12 hour days were awful.  On top of that schedule, we rotated from nights one “week” to days the next “week” which was a nightmare for consistent sleep patterns.  My teammate, opposite of me, hated the day shift and I didn’t give a fuck so we presented the idea to our boss that he’d work permanently on nights and I’d work permanently on days.  Perfect.  My sleep improved, my happiness was a bit more, and I felt much more regular.

Fast Forward to August, 2014.

I took a new position that was M-F, normal business hours.  I started going to work anywhere between 7-9 am and leaving work anywhere between 2-5 pm with it being noon or so on Fridays.  It was BEAUTIFUL.  I was sleeping 6-9 hours per night, enjoying the amount of time I was home and I got over the loss of my way cool 7/7 schedule.

This puts me at, 30 years old…and I finally had a decent sleep schedule and was getting the proper amount of sleep for my body.  I could tell there was a difference and I could feel it in my daily life.

Fast Forward to November, 2015.

Life altering news – I was laid off.  My cushy job was taken away, my boss didn’t even fight for us.  Bummer, but whatever.  I continued to sleep well, with a few hiccups from anxiety and depression – helped and hurt my sleep hours.

Fast Forward to March, 2016.

Employed again, yay!  Hooray, in fact.  BUT, it’s the same schedule I had in 2013 – with 7/7 and 12 hour days – except I’m permanently on the night shift.  And, not the night shift that when you go home it’s dark – it’s 10pm to 10am.  So, I’m back to not sleeping very well because I have to sleep during the day when I used to be productive.  I can be dead, a walking dead person, and still not be able to sleep.  I’ve tried things that don’t require a prescription or seeing a doctor, because I don’t have insurance at the moment due to the new job.  I’m back to square one of my life, which I think attributed to my increased anxiety and depression.  Normally, when I’m depressed, I sleep… I still can’t fucking sleep thus it breeds a cycle of hating my life and lashing out – I’m sorry.  I feel so cheated – because I finally learned what it was like to sleep a “normal” amount and feel rested and healthy despite my normal overweight issues and normal sadness.

I’m trying – desperately – to pluck the positive out of this pile.  I promise.  I just can’t wait until my days off so I can actually sleep.  Have I mentioned how lovely and terrible it is to sleep alone?  It’s so good for space, but psychologically it makes me feel anxious.

Here’s to hoping I can master my daytime sleeping, or I get insurance soon so I can see a doctor and figure this out.  Here’s to hoping I just get hired somewhere with normal hours again.

 

Still not sure why I even wrote about this – maybe as insight into why I may be more moody or irritable than normal?  I know, there’s no excuse for being rude or projecting anger to people that don’t deserve it.

Social Book.

  • I’m turning my Facebook into a positive experience – as my new good friend that I’ve never met in person said “a no bullshit zone” or something to that effect.  I’m not going to perpetuate any stereotypes, I’m not going to fuel any arguments, and I’m going to avoid getting into them.  I’m going to share things, from my life, as it was fucking intended for from the beginning and I’m going to use it to stay in touch with people I mostly like and love.  I’ve removed a couple of people so far, and I’ll keep going – weeding it down to what I’d consider good friends and some family.
  • I’m really ready for a good night of talking, laughing, game playing, wine drinking, etc with friends.  I miss my people.  I miss that most of my people are far away, or even just 45-60 mins away.  I hate that nothing about DFW screams proximity.
  • I see snapchats of my friends out to da club – living it up.  I’m jealous that I don’t enjoy it as much as they do – because it can be fun, if I’m drunk enough —which is reason enough that I don’t enjoy it wholeheartedly and should not be jealous of their pleasure.  Either way, I wish I had a tiny bit more of a social life.
  • How does one make friends after 25?  I’ve met some cool people online, but they typically live far away too – back to the whole proximity thing.  I went to a few courses at REI for hiking and finding your park and stuff but didn’t really get any lasting relationships from that as yuppies seem kind of closed off or in circles of their own already.  How do I find a job at a place that has people my age that want to be friends that aren’t total cunts about equality and human rights?  (I have to move out of Texas and find a new field of work)
  • I now know, since working with geriatrics, what people used to think of me.  These old guys can’t google something…research a topic, find a location, or learn how to do something without first asking me or someone else.  I used to be this way – an old man with a lazy bone for not wanting to research things myself… and now, I’m a godsbedamned research junkie.  I wont even hesitate to find info on something or investigate a situation.
  • I wonder if these jobs I applied for over 6 months ago that still haven’t decided and keep me updated mean that maybe I still have a chance?  I am always a little bit hopeful, but not blindly so.
  • I think meetings at work can go a few ways… 1) they can just become a social where everyone is fucking around and talking and not actually being productive 2) they can be productive and to the point – no bullshit 3) they can go on and on and bombard with facts and people talking in circles and nothing gets accomplished.  I have the most experience with 1 & 3 and I fear today I have a meeting that may be a combo of 1 & 3 – which is the worst kind of meeting.  My biggest issue will be avoiding the bad food I know is being provided – fuck me.  I want all the bad food.
  • I’ve decided I’m going to have to schedule a time to go off the grid from my iPhone.  It was nice, on our recent trip, that I was able to put it in airplane mode and just go – mainly because desert & T-mobile didn’t match well.  I had very little continuous service anywhere on the trip and it felt so good to just use my phone as a camera and music player…so fucking good.
  • I personally love the Google Keep app and Google Docs – for sharing lists and documents and allowing me to pretend to stay organized.  I was thinking I may need to use evernote or something and start taking voice memos in the car – I have a lot of ideas in the car that I never seem to remember until the moment has passed.
  • Silver Linings moments of this poop-tastic industry: the casual work atmosphere, the few nice people in the industry, and the fact that I still get to wear jeans
  • I can’t get the word Potatorific out of my head – I also can’t stop listening to my audiobook version of “Furiously Happy” by Jenny Lawson

Breaking News:

We’ve decided to discontinue the TV subscription when we move.  FINALLY.  I mean, yeah, I watch TV and enjoy having HGTV and Food Network, but, it’s so damn expensive for what we get.  We shall see if we get Sling TV or a provider again. I think I should try a summer of reading and adventures.  Maybe some Netflix if I must, right?

I’ve purchased about 50 books – either through audible, kindle, or in paper form in the past year – so I have a good amount of reading to do.  I have endless recommendations from friends and I have all sorts of other ideas for my time.  I know, this sounds like a ridiculous and unnecessary blog post – giving up TV for a better life?  Well, the dark reality is that TV controls my life right now and I despise being one of those people!  I went for years in college maybe keeping up with a few shows overall, but never-ever being so concerned with watching TV.  I am still very interested in catching all 9 seasons of the X-Files before I die, so that’s a back burner/rainy day/boring night at home kind of thing.

It took quite a few years, but I’m realizing what I want out of life and what I need to do to get there.

  • reduce debt, refuse future debt
  • become more active and able
  • get healthy to avoid death and other issues
  • be more clean, organized, and simplified
  • maintain a life of adventure

It’s pretty simple, generalized, and attainable.  I want to be able to run, hike, and kayak with ease or at least without being too winded.  I want to be able to explore the places in National Parks that are challenging and rewarding.  I want to have a clean house that is free of junk and clutter.  I want to sustain life for future generations.  I want to expand my brain and open my mind to even more ideas.  I don’t hate eating more intelligently and thoughtfully, I don’t mind cleaning up, and I sure as hell don’t mind the exercise.  My legs, they ache when I don’t do it now – I need it.  That’s what I was trying to achieve.  This time seems to be so much more productive and positive than any other time I tried to get my shit together.  Maybe it was the health scare, maybe it is still looming in the background – but I don’t want to have a boring, stupid story that ends with being too fat and too lazy.  There is too much to see, too much to do, and too much I want to accomplish along the way.  I can’t live if I’m already dead inside, so this is a mental and internal awakening too.  I want to be sharp, witty, intelligent, and open to life.  I was closing myself off, saying no too often, and becoming boring and stagnate.  It’s time to live.  I wont say I’ve wasted years until now, I just have a new focus.

A full life to me includes being passionate about something – I’m developing a deep and meaningful passion for the outdoors.  Conservation, enjoyment, recreation, etc.  I want to hike, mountain bike, kayak, camp, and help preserve the natural beauty that makes our world more peaceful.

 

**I love how giving up TV led to the revelation of my passions and life goals.

Thoughts: There’s a storm in my brain.

Sometimes in life, we do things we can’t take back.  We learn, we grow, we develop new thought patterns – but we can’t undo the things we’ve done.  This is obvious, right?  Sometimes I think, even the poorly timed and perceivable “bad” things were all going to happen one way or another.  Summer 2015 until now has been a very rocky road for me – reminiscent of the dark year of 2005.  I was lost, starved for attention, and extra needy.  I became unemployed, spent all of my savings, and struggled through every day since November.  Do I wish things could have all happened a bit differently?  Yes, to an extent.  I’m working on it all now, but I’m quite impatient.

Since moving to Texas five, YES FIVE, years ago, I have struggled with finding the right people to have in my life.  Retail work led me to a few nice people but the majority of my work has taken me to some people I’d avoid if it were by choice.  My family is cool, but when I moved here it was a literal haze of drinking and partying — and that did not lead me to the people I could really connect with on a human basis.  So, here I am, five years later and I have a few people I truly love and connect with and I’m feeling a little lost.  I don’t know how to deal with this feeling.  I just want to drive until I can’t drive.  I just want escape life – but not in a suicide kind of way.  I have a lot of things floating around in my head and I don’t know how to control or organize them.

I’m hoping and wishing that things will come together and I will start to feel a little less lost.  I’m hoping that I’ll get a job offer for something better than the stagnate situation I’m in.  I’m hoping that as I get more fit, I’ll find new ways to stay active.  I’m hoping that I can continue on the quest to control my relationship with food.  I’m hoping to meet more people that have a positive vibe and open mind.  I’m hoping my person finds his happiness with work and friends too.  Money is an evil bitch – damned if you have, damned if you don’t.  There’s always something.

Lost?  Maybe.  Probably.  People say happiness isn’t wanting something but appreciating what you already have and finding a way to be happy about it.  Well, I sort of agree.  I am very happy for the opportunity to work and provide, very happy to have dear friends near and far, and happy to have the ability to make changes in my life to better myself… but wanting more or different things doesn’t make me unhappy or unappreciative of what I have.  It doesn’t make me feel lost, either.  The lost feeling is coming from the dead ends with jobs applied for, the choices I’ve made, and my feeling that I really don’t have anyone that can handle the honesty in my brain.  Maybe I’m afraid to express myself because it’ll push people away.  Maybe I come off like too much of an asshole already?  Maybe I don’t know how to interact with people anymore?  Maybe I’m too old to be out all night at concerts?  Maybe I’m becoming too boring for my own good?  Why didn’t I do ______?  My brain is a storm tonight.

Perhaps because I spent my entire life trying to make people love me, hoping they would love me that I need to start convincing myself to love me.

“Maybe the end is the beginning… the game is no fun when you’re winning… the pool is empty unless you’re swimming and trying to keep afloat…and maybe you’re gone, lost somewhere floating in outer space”

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