Hostile workplace.

If I were making a Starbucks run, I’d ask if people wanted stuff… not just the one person you were talking to (loudly) in front of everyone else.  But, I’m not a racist, xenophobic, sexist, and homophobic person either.

No workplace is completely okay, but this place is taking things to an extreme in the most negative way possible.  It goes beyond not asking about Starbucks or even the lack of a follow through on plans and career development.   These people speak of wanting to hunt people of a certain religious group down, think certain races are awful, and want to repeal marriage equality.  Working in Texas has challenges – but this is starting to be too much. I can speak up, as I do about how these things are terrible… but higher management is just as bad and this was already two people in two different levels above me.  I can be fired for any reason, their word against mine because I’m a contractor and all they have to do is say I was not performing – I replaced I guy they did that to five months ago.  So, I’m left towing a line of mildly defending the rights of everyone (and myself) and keeping my household’s sole source of income.

This is why I apply for AT LEAST one job per day.

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My American dream is on hold.

At my previous job, where the company went bankrupt and fired laid everyone off, I finally felt like I was starting to accomplish things.  I was learning new skills, taking courses/attending conferences paid for by the company, and really zoning in on a career.  I was building a career, at 30 years old I was FINALLY building a career and doing something I could grow from.  I worked so hard to get there and even harder when I was there.  When a senior member of the environmental team left, I assumed the duties without question in hopes of impressing my bosses.  It worked.  I got a real office, business cards, and plenty of expectations put before me.  I was learning even more things, doing more, accomplishing tasks, and impressing the right people.  I had no inclination that I would be one of the people laid off in the downsizing, our boss was fighting for us and there was never a mention that they’d cut the ENTIRE environmental team.  But, here I sit, back to square one without barely a year of experience as an environmental advisor.  In that year, I did as much as someone would do in 2-3 years, but that’s hard to convey on paper.  In an interview, I can spin it – but it still sounds completely absurd.  Either way, the shining pathway to becoming well-versed in environmental things has darkened.  I no longer have the opportunities, learning experiences, or anyone willing to give me a chance to continue on that pathway.

Here I am, trying everything I know to get a job back in environmental.  Here I am, working at another faltering company in a dead end position with no real chance of promotion.  Here I am, taking courses in hopes that it will both give me confidence and look good when applying to potential companies.  Here I am, feeling pitiful and hopeless as I continue to try my hardest to dig myself out of the hole that is this life.  I can’t just take a giant pay cut, I have obligations to worry about.  I can’t just work two jobs, because I have people and pets to worry about.  I can’t just move because I have a lease to worry about.  I can’t just buy a cheaper car because my current one has depreciated so much it’s worthless in my situation.

I don’t ask for much.  A decent wage for my years of experience and education and a job that I don’t hate as much as this one.  I just want something with a normal schedule, normal vacation, and coworkers closer to my age.  I don’t want to support this industry, and I don’t want to feel stuck.  I want a position that has room to grow, not one in which I will never leave without switching companies.  I want my life back, that I worked so hard to get.  I want my old job, my old situation.  I want my company vehicle, my awesome health insurance, and above all the room to be promoted for a job well-done.

Mindsets.

Things I need to think about:

  • A career or job does not have to define a person
  • It’s okay to indulge occasionally – treat yo self (just not ever fucking day)
  • Hard work always pays off – when it comes to your body
  • Hard work doesn’t always pay off when it comes to career and education
  • Education is ALWAYS an option
  • Labels are only as good or bad as you perceive them